


Afflicted Souls

by Eternal Scribe (Shadowcat)



Series: Serrated Etchings [3]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Feels, Gen, Suicide Notes, saying goodbye
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 06:01:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9643631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcat/pseuds/Eternal%20Scribe
Summary: If heaven's grief brings hell's rainThen I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday-- Fall Out BoyIn the aftermath of Kili's suicide, the five people who made up his circle of close friends gather to try to deal with their grief and their guilt.They didn’t expect the messages that he left behind for them.





	

It was a somber group who gathered together that night. All of them had red-rimmed eyes as they took seats around the living room.

Tauriel was trying not to look around too much because everything her eyes touched reminded her of the grief that she was dealing with.

Twins Elladan and Elrohir took seats on the couch, falling carelessly into what had always been their usual positions when they’d spent time here before. Dan’s eyes were dark with pain and he kept glancing at Ro like he thought he was suddenly going to disappear.

Legolas stood stiffly by the balcony doors, carefully avoiding looking anywhere but through the glass. The mess from that night was long since gone, but Legolas couldn’t stop seeing the glass and the blood and his best friend so pale and still in the middle of it.

Gimli finished their circle and was on the floor near the television. Like the rest, his face showed signs of his grief. Within four months, he had lost both of his favorite cousins. He had arrived upon the scene shortly after Legolas, and like his friend, he would never be able to forget what he had seen.

“It seems so strange being here right now,” Elrohir broke the silence as he tugged at his hair. “The silence is eerie and I keep expecting him to come through the door.” His voice broke. “Only, then my brain reminds me that he never will again.”

Elladan reached out and took his brother’s hand in his, squeezing it comfortably. “Gimli, how is your family doing?”

“Your family,” Legolas broke in, his voice sounding like he had been chain smoking for some time. “I don’t give a damn about his parents.”

Tauriel nodded in agreement, but didn't speak yet.

Gimli sighed, running his hand over his face and feeling so damn tired. “Mom and dad are holding together as best as anyone is, I guess. Dad and Uncle Owen are refusing to speak to Thorin right now. Mom has banned Dis from our house. Dwalin is so angry that he’s avoiding everyone because he doesn’t want to come unglued on anyone. I think that this will be Dwalin’s line where he can’t stand beside Thorin any longer. He loved Fili and Kili like they were his own. Dain and Balin are working but doing as little with the Oakenshield side of the business as they can. Dad also had to help facilitate the transfers of several people who refuse to work for Thorin any longer. The Ur brothers haven’t reported in to work since they found out about Kili and the Ri brothers tendered their resignations after Ori punched Thorin in the mouth.” He shrugged. “I can’t imagine that Dis and Thorin are having an easy time of it -- especially since Vili has moved out.”

“Too little too late,” Tauriel snapped. “He should have stood up and been a father when Kili needed him and maybe Kili would still be with us.” She shook her head, her red hair flying about her face. “I have no sympathy for any of those three. They killed my best friend as sure as if they had used the glass on him themselves.”

“They might as well have,” Legolas said, never looking away from the balcony doors. “Telling Kee that Fee’s death was his fault and that they wished he had been the one to die was just as bad as if they had sliced his arms open.”

None of them disagreed with Legolas’ statement. All five of them had seen how broken Kili had become after the car accident and then they were forced to watch how much more his own parents destroyed him instead of being there for him.

“No matter what those assholes thought about their relationship, they knew that both Fili and Kili felt the same about each other. How they fucking decided that Kee was some sicko pervert that ruined Fee is beyond me.” Ro clenched his free hand into a fist.

“Exactly,” his twin agreed. “How many fucking times do we end up patching them up or dragging them out of stupid situations because they were trying to force their emotions and feelings to focus on someone, anyone, else?”

Gimli nodded. “It wasn’t until our grandfather sat them down to talk to them that they stopped being so self-destructive in an attempt to be society’s definition of normal.”

Now, Legolas did spin away from the doors to look at the rest of the group. His eyes were shining with fresh tears. “They were normal! There was nothing wrong with them! It was obvious to anyone that spent time with them that they were two halves of the same soul.” His hands were trembling and so he clenched them into fists. “When even my uptight father says that trying to force them apart would be detrimental to them, that means something.”

The other four were silent about that, even though they nodded in agreement. Thranduil Greenleaf was one of the best therapists in the country, and he was well-respected and trustworthy. It was why the boys had gone to him and confided in him, looking for help in some way no matter how much it hurt their hearts.

“I should have been with him that night,” Legolas whispered, slumping against the wall. “If I had paid attention to that feeling that I had been dealing with all day, I would have gotten to him a lot sooner. I wouldn’t have been too late and I could have stopped him.” Legolas closed his eyes. “I could have stopped him. I could have saved him.”

“No, you couldn’t have, Legolas,” Gimli said sadly as he watched his friend trying not to break down. “We might have had a chance if his parents and Thorin had handled everything differently, but they didn’t. Losing Fili crippled him, but his parents and Thorin destroyed him.” He sighed. “I received a package in the mail yesterday. It was from Kili.”

Four sets of eyes stared at him in various stages of shock and confusion. 

Tauriel was the first one to find her voice. “What do you mean you received a package from Kili?”

“Just what I said. The postmark said it had been sent a few days before his death.” He reached down beside him for the remote control to the entertainment center. “Among other things that we’ll talk about later, there was this DVD. I watched it last night to make sure there were no gory surprises, but it’s something he wanted all five of us to see.”

When the television screen clicked to life, everyone stared at the image of their friend who was suddenly looking out at them. He looked like he had gone through hell, which was unfortunately the norm since the car accident. He was pale and his eyes were red and swollen. He was holding a lit cigarette in his fingers, a constant companion that he had picked up in the last few months.

“Hey,” Kili said from the screen. “If you’re watching this, Gimli, then I guess I succeeded at what I plan to do. I’m not completely sure of how I will be removing myself from this world. I guess I will know by tomorrow night. As you no doubt know already, this is not a cry for attention or a plea for someone to stop me. I made sure that this was mailed to you and not delivered to you by hand so that there could be no mistakes made.” He took a drag off of his cigarette, letting the smoke hit his lungs and then exit his body slowly before he spoke again. “You’ve been an awesome cousin, a terrific best friend and an amazing brother, Gimli. You really have. You accepted my feelings for Fili without ever once condemning me for them or turning your back on me. I don’t know if I ever told you how much that meant to me, Gim. I hope you knew. There are some things that I need to say to the group, but before you get them, you need to know this: You couldn’t have prevented this, Gimli. I died the same night that Fee did, just my body didn’t realize it. I know you and I know that when we lost Fili, you took the role of the older brother pretty seriously as it pertained to me. You probably felt guilty when you got the news from Thorin that my body had been found in my apartment. I’m sorry for that, I really am. It’s just too hard to keep pretending that I am ever going to heal and be able to function efficiently again.”

“ _Efficiently,_ ” Dan snarled. “Because that was all Thorin cared about: Kili performing for the company and keeping up appearances.”

“He had no plans for any of us to be the ones who found him,” Legolas whispered. “He thought that he would be found by strangers and we would find out after Thorin had been informed.”

“If we would have been told the truth,” Tauriel commented caustically as she kept her eyes on the electronic image of her friend. “Because you just know the Oakenshields would have given it some fucked up spin that wasn’t even close to the truth.”

Kili shifted in his seat on the screen and took another hit from his cigarette. “Okay, I assume now that the gang's all here. I know you are all feeling betrayed by me and I can understand that. It hurts my heart to think about how my actions over the next few days will change your opinion of me, but I can’t continue on like this. Maybe mom and uncle are right. Maybe I did rob you all of the better Oakenshield. Maybe I did steal Fili from you all because I’m a sick bastard who loved his own brother in too much of the wrong way. You guys, I need you to know that I didn’t do it on purpose. If I had had any idea that Fee didn’t love me in the same way and was just trying to protect me as always, I would have left. I would have applied for school in another country and would have stayed away until I could be a proper brother. I would have died on the inside, but at least Fili would be alive and I know that I could have gotten really good at acting like everything was just fine. I mean, I could have pursued acting along with my music. It… it would have saved all of you so much grief and pain if I had done that.”

Tauriel wasn’t the only person in the room with tears threatening to fall. “Oh, Kee…”

“Dan and Ro, I am so damn sorry that my actions and emotions robbed you of your best friend. I never meant for any of this to happen. Fili loved you guys so much. You were his brothers every bit as much as I was. I can’t thank you enough for continuing to stand beside me and be my friends even after he was gone.”

“No, Kili,” Ro whispered. “You didn’t do anything to be sorry for. You were our family, too.”

“It’s why Dad had no problem with us moving you into our place,” Dan added. “We thought that getting you out of here would be better for you.”

“Tauriel, I need you to look after Legolas for me,” Kili continued. “He’s going to do the typical guy thing and say he’s just fine, but we know that’s not the truth. Besides, you need to tell him that Arwen isn’t as blind to his feelings as he thinks she is. He won’t hear it from any of us guys, but he’ll listen to you. I guess it’s because out of all of us, you really do see everything. Tari, I know you’re angry and hurt right now, but please don’t do anything crazier than what Fili would have done. You’re the most level-headed of the group now and the guys will need that from you. Stop making that face, Gimli. You know that it’s true. I love you, Tari. You’ve been a great friend and confidant since we were kids and I hope that all of your dreams come true. And Tari? Take a chance and tell them how you feel about them. Life is too short to pass on love just because you’re afraid of the consequences. Besides, I happen to have it on good authority that those feelings aren't as one-sided as you assume them to be.”

Tauriel ducked her head as the tears came freely, now. The pain in their friend’s voice was just so hard to hear.

“Legolas… gods, what do I say to the guy who has been my best friend since before we even hit pre-school? I guess you’re going to need to find another guitarist and duet partner, for starters. I’m sorry that we never got the chance to put more of our plans for the band into action.” On the screen, Kili discarded his burnt out cigarette butt and lit a fresh one. “Legs, there was no way you could have stopped this. You could have spent every minute of every day with me and this still would have happened. You were the first one who understood what I meant when I said that Fili was my soul. Instead of writing me off as being crazy, you delved into research about soulmates and twin flames. When I lost Fili, I lost more than my brother or my lover. I lost my connection to everything this world had. I know you feel guilty and like you let me down, but you didn't Legolas. You have to believe me. I tried, Legs. I tried so damn hard, but I guess finding out that ultimately I was responsible for the death of the most important person in my life made me realize how much I don’t belong here in the world with amazing people like you. If I can be selfish and ask you for one more favor, it’s for you to let yourself be happy. Don’t silence your voice and don’t let the band die.”

Legolas let out a harsh sob and slid down the wall to bury his face in his hands.

“I guess I should end this letter, now, before I end up just sitting here like a pathetic asshole crying when you can’t get to me. But, just… I love you, guys. I love you so much and you really were family. Don’t carry baggage that isn’t yours to bear. My decision isn’t your weight.” Kili swallowed. “I’ve sent some papers to Gimli along with this video that he can explain to you all, but I would like to introduce you to the new Chief Executive Officer of Erebor Incorporated, Gimli H. Durin.”

Kili held his hand up in a farewell and then the screen went black.


End file.
